in this world
i have found
no perfect drop of dew-
not even on the lotus ~Issa*
As I sort through the various threads of thought, imaginings, memories and beliefs I have woven into a tapestry that illustrates my companionship with a silent sense of saudade, I come to see a life colored by attempts to evade or expunge an underlying current of dissatisfaction. This discontent is generally felt as a yearning for something undefined, or a vague sense that things are not quite right. It comes in the wake of the realization that dreams are unreachable, and expectations only create more turmoil. Sometimes it erupts as sorrow, grief, anguish, or despair. As a result, I question where is the wellspring of this homesickness for a place, a person, a time that that I continue to search for despite a knowing that it simply cannot be?
Buddhist psychology seeks to uncover the truth of human suffering and to find a path that leads to the cessation of suffering. The first two truths speak of suffering and its nature, while the third and fourth truths outline a life path that will bring about the cessation of suffering.
The First Noble Truth nudges me out of my own immersion within the misery of suffering through its validation that suffering is a universal occurrence despite one’s race, culture, or affiliations. Even those who say, “all’s right with the world,” are impacted by the constant state of flux within their life and thus experience anxiety.
To be born is to struggle with physical changes that occur in conjunction with developmental milestones, to feel the pain that accompanies physical and medical frailties, and to wrestle with the process of dying and with death itself. To be human is to be dissatisfied with the wanting and obtaining of that which is pleasant, to know the fading of initial pleasure, as well as to experience the discomfort of unpleasant sounds, sights, scents, tastes, physical sensations, and thoughts. To be open to life is to experience the range of human feelings, be it fear, anger, sadness, and joy. To be with others is to know the distress of – real or imagined and spoken or unspoken – inclusion and exclusion.
The first truth also extends these truths of suffering to the unsatisfactory nature and general insecurity inherent in the law of impermanency. That is, all the phenomena of existence whatsoever, even the awe-inspiring and the horrifying, are subject to change and dissolution. Those who know the pleasures found within substances also are acquainted with the unease that accompanies excess. We all intimately know the truth of this impermanency in our longings to feel emotionally close to others, which soon changes into a yearning for separation. Consequently, without exception discontent does arise.
Suffering is clinging to the illusion of an unchanging self; that is, to a belief there is a permanent self within the ongoing process of physical and mental occurrences which constantly arise, disintegrate, and dissolve. Hume wrote that self is a “bundle or collection of different perceptions, which succeed each other with inconceivable rapidity, and in a perpetual flux and movement.” He further suggested that we create an idea of self as we processes our perception of events and things. Thus, there is not a tangible sense of self that remains consistent from one moment to the next. To desire, crave, or cling to a solid consistent self where there is only a changing psycho-physical complex is to create conditions that generate sorrow, grief, and dejection.
The feeling of an “I” emerges from a reflection of the stream of experiential consciousness that awakens when one becomes aware of being observed by an internalized watcher or seer who is felt but never known. Therefore, there is no denying that there is a wavering consciousness, an “I”, that knits together streams of memories, thoughts, feelings, and interactions in such a manner that we are able to formulate an awareness of identity, continuity, striving, as well as an sense of ourselves and others.
Memory bridges our past with the present
and brings us to an awareness that life is a cyclic process
that demonstrates the dynamic forces of togetherness and separation;
therefore, this moment is but a reflection within fragments of a past
and of a self revisited while in this process.
* The Year of my Life
trans: Nobuyuki Yuasa
 B. Russell, A History of Western Philosophy (New York, 1945).